Resentment...

First couple of days back on plan were okay but today is day 3 and I'm starting to resent the food that I can not eat right now.  I'd give my right arm for a cookie or a piece of chocolate and what's worse. The awesome brownies that I can have I ran out of and don't get more til tomorrow at the earliest.

I remember after I had the twins, probably about 3-4 weeks after, I hated food. Different reasons but I found myself feeling very resentful of all the food that I thought I should have vs. what I wanted.  I craved carbs. Waffles, cookies, donuts, chocolate, milk shakes and bread! I'm feeling like that again.

This is the hard part. I think I may need to move the ice cream into the garage freezer.  I go in the freezer in the kitchen a lot to get ice for my water and it really is annoying when the super yummy heath bar ice cream stares right back taunting me.

Guess I'll do up a shake, finish folding some laundry and then hit the sack. Tomorrow will bring a whole new host of issues.  Air Show Food... :(

My journey begins

It actually started several months ago when I realized I needed to start getting ready to go to Hawaii.  Swim Suit time! And let me say it was a pain in the rear to find a swim suit that didn't make me look 50 while still hiding all the scary...

Anyway, I managed to lose about 15lbs before heading off to Hawaii and then while in Hawaii I dropped about another 5-7. It was easy to do while I was there because it was hot and humid all the time. And what do ya know, I tend to not be hungry when it is hot and humid! Needless to say I really want to go back to Hawaii. But since it is not going to happen any time soon I'm going the super hard but hopefully fast rout! Take Shape for Life aka Medifast!

So I have roughly 70lbs to lose. My hope is that I can write about how I'm feeling during this to kind of encourage myself to keep it up and learn to spot the things that help me and hinder me.  I actually started this 1 week ago and lost 5lbs but then I had a bit of a melt down and took a 2 day break. Needless to say that pretty much put me back to day 1.  (note, did not gain back the weight just need to restart the calibration process for my body)

Day 1: feeling fantastic so far. I've been able to stick to plan and not feel pissy about it.  I got to the gym tonight (biked there and back) and got a kick butt workout in.  I'm kind of craving some carbs but I have 1 MF (my abv. for Medifast) meal left and I think it's gonna be a brownie!!! I just love that they have brownies that I can end my day with.

Oh... Also thinking I'm gonna record all my goals.
   ~Reach my goal weight by my next birthday in May next year.
   ~Be able to chase the kids and not get tired out so quickly
   ~Run/jog a 5k assuming there are no issues with shin splints
   ~get my belly button pierced
   ~Tummy Tuck
   ~Mike gets a tattoo!!!
   ~Wear a proper swim suit!
 
I'm sure I'll think of more but for now I think that's a good start.  Actually as I'm thinking of it I did hit one goal that I've had for a while. I can now do a proper standing quad stretch! I can get my ankle into my hand where before I could just barely grab the heal of my shoe! Yey for goals!!! 

BFF... How to find one...?

My best friend lives in Seattle, WA which is about 3 hours (w/out traffic) away from me. We met in college over a combined love for swimming. After many hours and endless laps followed by dinner at Burger King (were we collected all the cool Disney cups) we were practically like sisters. People even started commenting on how much alike we were. Granted, all this was easy since we lived down the hall from each other and then roomed together. We did practically everything together. And this is the kind of relationship that when we see each other a couple of times a year it's like we've practically been living together all the time. We're always on the same page and there is never that uncomfortable period of "I haven't seen you in forever and I have no idea who you are anymore..." It's a one of a kind thing that can never be replaced but it is something that I dearly miss. 

Now it's a different story. I'm older. I have a family of my own. I don't live in the kind of environment where it is convenient to just pop on down the hall and say "Hey wanna go for a swim..." You have to plan everything. And not only do you have to do that but you have to plan with other people. So there is my own crazy schedule to think of as well as that of people I might want to do stuff with. There are nap times to work around, and school schedules to work around, bible studies, laundry, errands and on and on...  There is also the problem that everyone I know already has that "BFF". My best friend probably even has a "BFF". 

All this to say, aside from my marriage and family (which is awesome btw.), I'm lonely. I miss having my best buddy down the hall. I miss the girl talk. I miss the person I can call up at any time and say "wanna take the kids to the park..." or where ever the mood (and weather) hits.

So how do you find that special relationship? Is it like a marriage where there is only 1? I guess it's time to start putting some energy into working on those "friend" relationships to find out... Think this one is a To Be Continued...

Driving Manners

As a matter of common decency please observe the following...

When you are attempting to merge onto the freeway in normal traffic these rules apply. The person merging shall yield right of way to the person already on the freeway rather than blast their horn like an immature child while flipping off said person. The merging person should then NOT pass the one with the right of way while rolling down the window and pointing their finger, gun style, and pulling the pretend trigger...

Seriously! Where do some people learn to drive. In general I feel for people who tend towards road rage simply because I feel that they are usually the victim of a stupid driver, however... Grow the heck up and learn some manners. Learn to take your turn when it is your turn and to wait patiently when it is not your turn.

I have to say the gun style finger threw me a bit. I've been flipped off, honked at, waved crazily at and even done some of that myself but the gun thing was a bit over the top. Ya just shouldn't do stuff like that today. It's scary to think of what some people are capable of.

And because I feel like it, A Haiku to Driving Manners...

When merging please yeild
It is the most proper way
Flipping off not nice.

Have a nice, manner filled day!

No more wallowing!

Posting for my Phone so Please excuse the poor typing. So far this week I've gone to the gym 3 times! Cleaned up the kitchen after dinner each day! Done laundry (although there is more to be done) taken Vincent to PT, will go to the doctor myself tomorrow and still have one last class to get through at the gym tomorrow... I'm either feeling good or I'm so motivated by Hawaii that I'm getting the hang of faking it! Honestly I think it's a bit of each. So I've list 2.2 pounds. Yey! I'm bound a d determined to get my body back. I know the pre-kid condition is gone forever but I can certainly get back to a healthy weight one hopefully wont hurt so much I. The process. I think that's been my biggest obstacle so far. I keep getting sick or injured or something happens and the I not only dot lose weight but gain it... Nasty little cycle to get into. Well as I said before its time to stop wallowing in it. It's time to put a nice big hole in the cycle and start making some new things happen!! Watch out body cause here I come. No more lazy days on the couch. It's time to start getting stuff done!!!!!

A bit of this, and a bit of that.

And this is what usually happens when I try to "journal" or in this case blog. I do a couple of days really well and then, boom! Nothing! I get the idea in my head and all these thoughts that are begging to be let out and then I find the media to do it and they all vanish into thin air. Seriously annoying. 

Maybe if I try to list out my ideas they'll come back to me... Think, think, think...?
   Write about: the kids, maybe the cats, my home, my relationships, stress (which alone could probably keep me going forever...), joy, faith, stuff... 

So now at least I have a list of things to look back to. That is better than any paper journal I ever started.

Okay... Completely unrelated is this stupid publishing stuff... It doesn't auto-cap my words. I'm not used to having to shift every time I start a new sentence or type the word "I"... Annoying!!!

Back on track though. Since I've started this I've actually found myself kind of coming back to life. I know part of it is a medical thing that is finally getting straightened out, but I also think it's been a bit of a "I refuse to feel lousy" thing as well...

Since having the twins, I've been very out of sorts with myself. I've been getting sick a lot. I have gained a bunch of weight which has caused some minor medical stuff. I've hit some emotional lows. I've felt incredibly lonely and quite frankly I've been wallowing in the muck... Not a good place to be. But we've been planing this trip to Hawaii in the summer and I'm actually really looking forward to it. It's the first thing in a very long time that I have truly wanted to do. Now not only do I have something to look forward to but I also have a goal!

So a little bit of discipline in the writing aspect is spilling over into the life stuff. I've been able to get house stuff done. I've been back to the gym. I've been more willing to spend time with my kids instead of hiding from them. And ever so slowly I'm feeling myself return to a proper place! Prayers that it will continue and blossom!!!  ~L

Plans, That's all they really are...

What is it about going to bed at night and coming up with all these grand ideas to do the next day... Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I made this mental list,

~Shower
~Fold the Laundry
~Take Vince to PT (the only thing likely to happen)
~ Clean up the endless crumbs and hunks of graham crackers that litter my house
~ Clean up Sophias room and even rearrange it a bit.

Just went to put the twins down for a nap and took one look around and every idea went screaming for the hills. Now I can hear Vince yelling, he probably threw his pacifier (aka momo) out of the crib, and the thought of returning upstairs is terrifying.

But I'm doing things now. I'm getting over the crushing desire to crawl back into bed or sit at the computer all day accomplishing nothing. I will go back up and fix the screaming kid, take a shower and then take Vincent to PT.

I'll be praying while I'm out that I'll have the energy and motivation to then go back upstairs one more time to try to reclaim at least one part of the house to a crumb free environment. And maybe fold some laundry in the process. ~L

My Joy times 4

Figure I should give you an introduction to the cause of some of my insanity... They also happen to be the source of some of my greatest joy. Their names are Sophia, who is 7, Roman, 3, and Vincent and Castle, my twins who are about 20 months.  

I'll start with Sophia. 7 years ago she entered my life as obstinate and adorable as she is today. I say obstinate because she got stuck during labor and had to come out the hard way via c-section. She has been a drama queen from day one!

Aside from being a drama queen, Sophia is a fascinating little girl. She has this imagination that allows her to make up a game for any situation! She loves music and has this perfectly tuned little voice. She can come up with a song on the spot and sing it like she's been singing it forever. She loves to be the center of attention and, honestly... I see her on Broadway some day.

She has this uncanny way of making me look at a dreary day and find it beautiful. Many times as we've been out and about, in the rain, she's commented on how nice it is out. She's right. Without the rainy days we wouldn't have the bright sunny ones with trees and flowers and grass in bloom. Why shouldn't we celebrate all of God's creation? 

She can also drag me way out of my comfort zone. Before her I would never even think of playing silly games. I wouldn't dance around the room just for fun, and I probably would never have thought to start writing... 

She's beautiful, she's funny, she's sweet and she is a perfect gift from God. 

Then there are the boys... Another day :)

The Start

I can hear the babies yelling to be freed of their cribs but I'm determined to get at least something out... 

I'm not much of a writer, although I've always wanted to. this is partly what is driving this attempt at blogging. The other is that I'm determined to have some sort of motivation to get my life back into shape. I know it will never be what it was before kids and such but I'm hopeful that some bit of sanity will return to me as i sort things out in writing. This is mainly for me but if others out there happen to read then maybe it'll help someone else out who's going through similar stuff. 

Anyway, I really should go free the babies (will tell more about the kids when they are not demanding my attention).  If you're a christian reading this please say a prayer (even a short one) that this does something good in my life and hopefully the lives of others.  ~L